Rant about the Holidays

This is the time of giddy excitement, anticipation of gifts, good cheer, joviality and good times to be had by all. A time to give thanks, celebrate Jesus and finally step foot in your respective denominations' churches.
And also the time for criminals, pick pockets, scam artists, nasty attitudes, Christmas songs, commercials, decorations and after Christmas last chance better get it while it's hot even though the prices had already been marked up, then discounted to regular price sales. Yay.

This was once a time that I looked forward to going to my grandmother's house and all my cousins and aunties and drunk uncles could get together and gorge ourselves on some food that, as someone would invariably say, "put their foot in it" as compliments to the chef. A time to drink (as I got older), and speakscream to each other because the music would be so loud. To watch my great aunt in her late 70's pop her cootchie, snap her fingers, and commence to show us young ones how it was done. To see trains of running little mocha chocolatta woolly headed chirren running through the kitchen and from room to room, oblivious to their momma's and grandmas actin' a fool.

My grandmother passed away about 3 years ago and gone are the days of big get togethers. My family is so fragmented right now that when they splintered off, they closed the door to rekindle the tradition. Excuses like, that house isn't the same with aunt m gone, I’m going on vacation, or they just don't return the phone calls, and end up being no shows.

I moved to a cold city and an even colder family. The warmth felt from friends left behind have been replaced with intermittent sparks, and none to ignite the flame that once flickered for me and I for them. This time is the worst. This time is the worst time.
………..You know, I really can’t sugarcoat this and say there is a moral to the story. I can’t make it up and pretend I’ve just wrapped it up in a pretty little package and bow to mask the disconnection that I feel inside from every aspect and every avenue of my life.
I am hurting. This time is filled with too many memories, and not enough experiences to make new ones.
I think I just want someone to say, it’ll be ok.

Rant on Emptiness

In a space filled with much but just filling a void
wondering why I think about this so much, this endless noise
of brain chatter reverberating inside my head
looking for the answers, for the questions
…for the missing links written but weren’t read
is it in a bible, my Qur’an, the torah, or from the existential ethereal spaces in between,
I look for the definitions to explain the absurdity of meaning
I tried to sound out the words to make the connections
Instead, a cancer feasted on the vowels and syllables that would have given me direction
I sit and stare at the masses of sinew and flesh
Molded supposedly from a higher beings breath
So they say, so they say, so they say…
I want to know if the hell I live is shared with you
I want to know if the world I live is filled with fools
I want to know if this space filled with much is just an empty void
Filling with stuff made of false joy
There is no solace in the knowledge of uncertainty
Without the stuff that makes me, me
I can only believe that I am empty

- NajmahAaliyah ®

Rant on Understanding - When misunderstood

Let me introduce myself....

I am a woman made of stern stuff, made of unrelenting and unmatched mettle. I am a nurturer, a lover, a friend and a confidante. Much more importantly, I am real. For some who have had the blessing to know me, or depending on your perspective the misfortune, there is one constant that will always be present in me, and that is my unwavering desire to be truthful and to the point.

I speak with a candor that is devoid of deception, and delusions. It is cast without judgment, nor riddled with projected personal feelings toward any specific person or situation. My responses will always be direct, with no fluff, nor with any consideration to the language for which I choose to convey my message. I am determined in my directness, which it may be hard for some to digest. I will remain, however, unapologetic because of it.

and now you know...

When I fell in love - with a rockstar

before the election:

monday, i saw a rockstar.


i was at the corner of 47th and lake park and noticed there was no traffic. the cops had blocked off the intersection and no one could pass. busses were at a standstill and then cops were at every corner. cops were posted above the overpass and then my anticipation grew. it makes sense. a rockstar was coming through. oooooooo weeeee... i got giddy. there were a couple of us on the sidewalk and quite frankly, i was hesitant to get too close to the curb. this is chicago, and i wasn't sure how tough they were gonna be. but then again, who would worry about an overweight tall girl with an ill fitting hat, (it's warm and i don't care), CEDA jacket, untied gym shoes, and a grin as big as the UFO that landed on top of soldier field...

the hush of the lack of traffic and the steady foom fooom foom of my heart was soon replaced by the whirring of helicopter blades, cutting through the air... then the reflection of the emergency lights of the lead police cars illuminated under the metra station bridge grew until the first car emerged.....

4-5 police cars streamed through with the kind of urgency that begs no interference or to your detriment will fate you should you get in the way....then 3 black crown victorias, hugging the road with a swiftness that surprisingly for their size moved with sportscar like precision..... YAY!!! YAY!!! yay. yay. yay? SECRET SERVICE. i held clumsily on to the cameraphone that i knew the video would end up lookin like a blur, but logic wasn't present in that moment... then a gap in the traffic, though only for a moment.... (and my cheeks hurt now) Here he comes!!!! 3 big black SUV''s which one?!? WHICH ONE?!? fuddle with phone, fuddle with phone.. fuck it... the voice in my head broke through calmly... look up, silly.

2nd suv. Mr. President Elect Barak O-fucking-BAMA!!!!!! LESS THAN 6 FEET FROM ME!! in a flash i catch him as he looks out the window in a quiet, stately, repose..knowing.... appreciative... inspired..... his personal fan fare of 6 people. myself, my sister, a mother and 2 girls, one man... he looked out the window and he saw me. i saw him. he looked at US. crazed and in awe at the mere fact that we were blessed with this offering... his presence....though fleeting....elation can't fully describe the feeling.

just as quickly as he came, his car was gone, then this fantastical moment was equaled with a palpable dosing of reality, when i saw that his lead suv and trailing suv had a load full of white, corn fed, dressed in all black, Special Tactical "I will shoot you dead, play with me, fool" government dudes with hands firmly gripped on the rifle that will end all your days looked out with a seriousness that will melt glass came through. and after that... another cop car and an ambulance. AN AMBULANCE.

he was going home. a happenstance occurrence, for me, but one i will never forget in my life.